parodyBREAKING: EXCLUSIVE: Erin Derham on Fraud, Fame, and Doing It For The ChildrenErin Derham is the wife of right-wing scammer and alcoholic Matt Van Swol.

She greets us at the door wearing a flowing white linen robe, a faux halo made of coat hangers and Dollar Tree LED lights, and a gold-foil Bible tucked under one arm like a clutch. Erin Derham is radiant, if not a little unhinged. Her husband, Matt Van Swol, is off somewhere “praying on it” or possibly deleting evidence, the lines between the two are blurry these days.This is the first time Erin has agreed to speak on the record since their names surfaced in a large-scale investigation into fraud, disaster relief embezzlement, and a social media charity scheme so brazen it makes Fyre Festival look like a church bake sale.Now “born again” and claiming divine guidance for their every move, Erin and Matt see themselves less as grifters, and more as spiritual warriors fighting the Deep State… with Venmo.As the sun sets over the ironically named “Integrity Farm,” Erin pours me a kombucha, says grace with a suspicious side-eye, and launches into what can only be described as a Pentecostal TED Talk in defense of herself, her husband, and what she keeps referring to as “The Sacred Hustle.”Interviewer: Thanks for agreeing to this, Erin. Let’s get right into it. Authorities say you and Matt orchestrated a scheme to siphon off North Carolina hurricane relief donations by posing as people who are helping storm victims. What’s your response?Erin: First of all, we never “posed.” We were a nonprofit. I mean, legally speaking we hadn’t filed the 501(c)(3) paperwork because the IRS is under Demonic influence — but spiritually? We were doing the Lord’s work. We felt called. This wasn’t just aid; this was ministry.Interviewer: But you allegedly took in several hundred thousand dollars in donations and almost none of that went to actual hurricane victims. The rest was spent on a Tesla, private retreats, and something labeled “essential oils and militia gear.”Erin: Look, healing isn’t free. And God never said His warriors should travel coach. You can’t expect us to show up for these devastated communities without proper anointing oil, tactical vests, and a reliable EV. Jesus rode a donkey. We ride clean energy.Interviewer: So the reports that you and Matt were living out of a luxury estate while telling donors you were “sleeping on church pews” — those are… what? Misunderstandings?Erin: That house was a healing tabernacle. We called it “The Upper Room,” because God speaks to us best when we’re overlooking His Playground (that's what we call Marvin). If people wanted their money to go to bureaucratic waste, they should’ve tithed to the Red Cross.Interviewer: You also ran a side campaign called “Tents for Toddlers,” which turned out to be a GoFundMe that netted $40K and delivered zero tents. Where did that money go?Erin: God moves in mysterious line items. We were praying for clarity, and He said, “Buy the alpaca.” We also bought a drone. Matt said it symbolized the Holy Spirit surveying the damage. We didn’t not help children. We just helped them spiritually. And from a distance. We were channeling Matt Damon's role in Entourage and kept incanting “It’s for the children,” “It’s for the children,” “It’s for the children.”Interviewer: The North Carolina AG called it “one of the most callous scams in state history.” Do you think you’ll face charges?Erin: If they throw us in jail, so be it. Paul was imprisoned too. We’re not worried about man’s judgment. We answer to Him. We’ve repented. We’ve fasted. Matt stopped vaping. We even got baptized in our hot tub. God has forgiven us, even if the the demonic state can't catch up.Interviewer: Your husband, Matt, is also being investigated for running an MLM-style “patriot supply” chain promising hurricane victims emergency kits that turned out to be Dollar General candles and off-brand beef jerky. Our readers would love to know if he's a Patriot, Prophet, or Pyramid Schemer?Erin: We were loaves-and-fishes-ing what we had. Jerky is high in protein. Candles offer light, which is literally in the Bible. Sometimes God doesn’t give you FEMA trucks. Sometimes He gives you bulk buys from Ollie’s. As to your last question - Matt is all the Ps!Interviewer: You both styled yourselves as post-disaster influencers. Why do you think people fell for it?Erin: Because we believed it. We weren’t lying. We were testifying. And look, if you say “God’s got a plan” and cry just a little on Instagram Live, people will tithe from their stimulus checks. That’s called anointing.Interviewer: Some are calling you and Matt a modern-day Bonnie and Clyde — minus the car chases and plus the tax fraud.Erin: That’s the nicest thing anyone’s said all week. Honestly, I think of us more like a Southern Joel Osteen meets Robin Hood. We robbed the rich, then kept most of it, but only because God told us we were the poor in spirit.[This is a parody]Interviewer: There are also reports that Matt was drinking on the job at the Department of Energy and regularly yelling “Why won’t anyone DO something?!” and “How is this HAPPENING?!” while waving memos about disaster response and yelling at spreadsheets.Erin: First of all, drinking at work is a Southern thing. It’s cultural. That man can pray over a bourbon and still design a solar bunker. But the nuclear folks? Uptight. You sip one whiskey sour near the uranium silo and they act like you lit the Book of Revelation on fire.Interviewer: One engineer said he once walked in on Matt barefoot, playing country music on a Bluetooth speaker, muttering “It’s for the children” while typing “DO SOMETHING” into a government database.Erin: That’s intercession. Matt was standing in the gap between bureaucracy and divine mercy. Honestly, the DOE never deserved him.Interviewer: When asked by investigators why you moved $50,000 into a Cayman account labeled “Freedom School,” Matt said, and I quote, “It’s for the children.” Was that a Matt Damon Entourage reference?Erin: Absolutely. That was our little wink to the faithful. And by faithful, I mean libertarian homeschool parents with crypto wallets. We were going to start a Holy Spirit-based learning pod with gold-standard accreditation and no math. But it wasn’t God’s timing yet.Interviewer: But there was no school.Erin: Yet. There was no school yet. God doesn’t work on your deadlines. Moses wandered for 40 years. We’ve only had the domain name for eight months.Interviewer: Public sentiment turned fast. One Reddit thread called Matt “the Rasputin of disaster capitalism” and you “a Pinterest board of white collar crime.” How do you respond?Erin: Those are gorgeous metaphors, and honestly I might put them on merch. You get one set of merch free if you buy 20 sets. Can I have my Filipinos drop-ship them to you? People mock what they don’t understand. I’ve been called a false prophet, a wolf in Lululemon, but I know what I am. I’m a Proverbs 31 woman with an award-winning Shopify store.Interviewer: Several families you promised to house after the storm say you blocked them once the donations stopped. One was told, “Abundance only flows where gratitude goes.”Erin: That’s scriptural. If you’re sowing ingratitude, don’t expect a harvest. We had boundaries. Even Jesus turned people away, mostly Pharisees, but still.Interviewer: You both could face serious jail time. Do you think you’ll serve?Erin: Jail is just a desert season. If we go, we’ll start a prison ministry and get matching tattoos of the Armor of God. I’ve already ordered faux leather-bound Bibles from Amazon. In pink. We’ll be fine.Interviewer: Any regrets?Erin: Just one. That we didn’t launch our NFT project “StormCoin” before the SEC froze our accounts. We were going to revolutionize disaster relief by decentralizing blessings. It was Holy Ghost meets blockchain.Interviewer: Last question. What do you want people to know about Erin Derham?Erin: That I am not a villain. I’m a vessel. I’m not a scammer, I’m redeemed. And if you think giving money to FEMA is better than giving it to us… that’s between you and the Lord. We’ll be in Malibu with the alpaca and the prophet Matt if anyone wants to talk Kingdom finance.Postscript:As we left the estate, Erin handed me a mason jar labeled “Hurricane Tears: Limited Edition.” It was empty. But the label was waterproof, scented with frankincense, and came with a QR code linking to her new devotional, Prosperity Through the Storm.Much like Erin Derham and Matt Van Swol’s operation, all aesthetics, no substance, but most importantly - to them - God-approved.

Disclaimer: This is a parody. All statements and events depicted in this interview are fictionalized and satirical in nature. Allegations referenced are for illustrative purposes only. No actual confessions, statements, or interviews occurred.All photos are the property and/or copyright of their respective owners and/or photographers.